Navigating Family Dynamics in Immigrant Parent-Child Relationships

Through my interviews, I've posed the question to all my participants, delving into their upbringing and discussing a typical day in their life and their relationship with their parents during middle and high school. One major parenting style that was displayed was “tiger parenting”. Tiger parenting was coined as a term in the early 2010s, with the publication of Amy Chua's (2011) book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The book is about the relationship between Chua and her two daughters, and how Chua raises her kids using the traditional “Chinese” way. Chua described her strict “Chinese” parenting to be at a higher level than “Western” parenting (Chua, 2011). Tiger parents also have high levels of both authoritative and authoritarian parenting styles (Kim, Wang, Orozco-Lapray, Shen, Murtunza, 2013), with scholars suggesting that tiger parenting represents a cultural fusion of these two parenting approaches (Chan, et al., 2009; Xu et al., 2005).

Different from the Western practices of being more permissive and allowing the child to grow more independently (Chao & Tseng, 2002), traditional Chinese parenting emphasizes academic achievement, bringing face and honor to the family, and success (Chao,1994).

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Tiger parents on academic success

In this study, all the Chinese American young adults had parents who exhibited traits of tiger parenting to varying degrees. This included a strong focus on academic success, aiming to cultivate high-achieving children across all aspects of their lives. Regarding enabling academic success, tiger parenting practices encompass a range of strategies to maximize their children's educational achievements. This can involve encouraging their kids to opt for a challenging course load throughout high school, and meticulously crafting a four-year academic plan to optimize their educational trajectory. There's a significant emphasis on grades and maintaining a high-grade point average (GPA), often with a strong push towards enrolling in Advanced Placement (AP) courses whenever possible, as these are seen as prestigious and advantageous for college admissions. There are many cases where tiger parents will intentionally choose a grade school that is under the quarter system, which would allow the student to take double the classes and AP courses. From a participant who took 12 AP courses, “We specifically chose the high school that had the quarter system because they let you take double the AP [...] So I could take AP Literature and AP English in the same year, but you [a semester system] could only take AP English. So they’re trying to maximize it to the fullest” (Interviewee 9, 00:38:30).

Additionally, tiger parents typically prioritize fields like science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM), believing these disciplines offer the most promising career paths. Moreover, there's an expectation for their children to remain productive even during breaks, whether through academic enrichment programs, internships, or self-study initiatives, ensuring no time is wasted in their pursuit of academic excellence. Many of the young adults complained about being forced to go to after-school programs during their childhood and adolescent years, with programs spanning from SAT preparation classes to advanced courses in math and English. When young adults were applying for undergraduate college, there was a priority and bias towards prestigious schools with a high ranking. “They were not fond of [California State Universities] at all. [...] They didn't say poor but they said people with bad grades go to that. Anyone can go to Cal State though. That's what they said.” (Interviewee 4, 00:35:23).

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Tiger parents on extracurriculars

What was also very popular for tiger parents was enrolling their children into various extracurriculars, usually ones that will benefit the child to be seen as more prestigious towards college admissions. These after-school activities can include learning how to play different instruments, the most popular being the piano and violin. A lot of young adults also had mandatory attendance at Chinese schools, and very rarely did any of the young adults find this productive. “[Chinese School] was like once a week. And so I didn't really pay attention because a lot of stuff we learned was already what I learned at home.” (Interviewee 6, 00:48:56). Doing art was also very popular as an extracurricular, with parents sending their kids to art school. But even though it was an extracurricular, doing art wasn’t a priority, and was usually looked down upon when children wanted to pursue it as a degree in college. “I was wanting to go [to art college], but my parents were like, oh, it's not like good for your career because it's so uncertain when it's not the top school ever.” (Interviewee 9, 00:11:56).

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Tiger parents on discipline

Tiger parenting encompasses not only rigorous academic expectations but also a strict disciplinary approach characterized by setting exceptionally high standards for children and sometimes imposing consequences if those standards aren't met. This often involves the use of corporal punishment as a means of discipline, ranging from spanking to striking the child's palm with various objects. In addition to physical discipline, punishments in tiger parenting can extend to controlling access to technology. This might involve setting strict screen time limits on the child's devices or even resorting to blocking the Wi-Fi connection to regulate their online activity. Furthermore, instances of "time-outs" and lecturing were observed within tiger parenting practices. These disciplinary measures varied in tone, ranging from patient explanations to more severe and harsh reprimands.

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Parenting styles of tiger parents

Though all of the participants had tiger parents, their reactions and response to their parent’s parenting styles varied drastically. Given that tiger parenting embodies a blend of authoritative and authoritarian styles, the parent's emphasis on either style significantly influenced how children perceived their parent's approach to parenting and shaped the dynamics of their relationship.

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Parents emphasize using an authoritative approach instead of an authoritarian approach

Parents who emphasize the authoritative aspect of their parenting style prioritize setting clear and high expectations and boundaries, but also allowing there to be two-way communication and warmth with their children. In instances where strict discipline is employed within an authoritative tiger parenting style, parents consistently prioritize communication with their children to ensure understanding and clarity. While the discipline may be firm, parents make it a point to explain to their children the rationale behind the punishment. By openly discussing the reasons behind the disciplinary measures taken, parents in authoritative tiger parenting households aim to promote accountability in their children, encouraging a sense of respect for authority and a willingness to take responsibility for their behavior. “I feel like I've always been very trusting of authority [...] and that may have started with my parents. [...] if I want to do something. I asked first and I trusted in their decision, and also I needed their permission to do it anyway.” (Interviewee 2, 00:53:49). Parents who displayed a more authoritative approach throughout the participants' adolescent years, displayed more authoritarian approaches when the participants were in their preadolescence to early adolescence. However, as the child matured and developed a greater capacity for logic and reasoning, parents gradually transitioned towards a more authoritative approach within the framework of tiger parenting. This includes democratic decision-making, wherein parents actively involve their children in discussions and decisions regarding rules, goals, and expectations.

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"As I got older and this is especially apparent in high school, they were still like of trying to influence [me], but they were very much visibility taking a step back. It was very clear that I have my own ideas for what I want to do and where I want to go. And I have, as I've gotten older, made it very clear that I want to have my own choices affect where I want to go. And so like I've also made it clear that I will accept their advice. I respect them as my parents. I will take their words as advice, but ultimately it is up to me to choose where I want to go. And so that has kind of affected their behavior towards me. [...] My parents respected that perspective and that position.” (Interviewee 2, 00:20:28).

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“They always still check my grades [in middle school]. Always check grades. Always asking, hey, why is this assignment not turned in? Or, like, why did he get low on this assignment? Just reminding me of, like. Hey, have you been doing well in your courses? [...] But after junior year, since I was doing well enough in my classes my parents were like oh yeah we can just loosen up just a little bit." (Interviewee 5, 00:13:47)

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As the participants transition to college, there may be a shift in parenting style from authoritative to permissive as they embrace independence and autonomy. Parents who previously adopted an authoritative approach may adopt a more permissive stance, allowing their college-aged children greater freedom to make their own decisions and navigate their paths.

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Children’s response to parents who emphasize using an authoritative approach

Participants who were raised by parents who used the more authoritative-focused tiger parenting approach grew to be grateful and appreciative of their parents for enforcing this approach. Many children appreciated the structure, discipline, and high expectations set by their parents, which they believe have contributed to their success and overall well-being. There were also feelings of regret from some participants, about not fully embracing or enjoying the extracurricular activities their parents enforced upon them. While they acknowledge the benefits of these activities in hindsight, they may wish they had appreciated them more at the time. "I thought piano was so fucking boring. When I was a child, I hated it. I never wanted to practice. I didn't want to do the lessons. I was like, no, I don't want to do piano. And now I'm like, I'm really, really, really grateful that they forced that onto me." (Interviewee 2, 00:48:16).

These participants also comprehended the significance placed on STEM fields and academic achievement by their parents, and they supported their parents' strong emphasis on these areas, even if it meant sacrificing their own hobbies. From a participant who majored in Economics and did not thrive in the STEM field:

 

"So I think I definitely, I highly, strongly agree with their emphasis on STEM, always math on, you know, coding and all that sort of stuff, like physics. You know, I was actually put into physics enrichment as a kid, which is kind of funny. I did physics. So I fully 100% agree with that. I absolutely think it's true. But, you know, to get your kids immersed since then, even if they don't end up going into STEM, at least having that background is critical if you want them to succeed, because it's not even about like, doing math. It's about critical thinking skills. So I think that's a very fair kind of parenting technique." (Interviewee 6, 00:35:58).

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Participants who received corporal punishment understand why their parents resorted to disciplinary measures, but they do not agree with the methods used. They recognize the intentions behind their parents' actions but feel that there are more effective and less harmful ways to discipline children.

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"I didn't hate my parents for it. I just accepted it as a consequence. I don't think violence is a good answer to a lot of stuff. Like they hit me before. What did it do? I mean, it was a short-term. It was a short-term solution maybe, or like a certain consequence. But pain and violence only do so much. It’s not effective." (Interviewee 2, 00:44:41).

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Parents emphasize using an authoritarian approach instead of an authoritative approach

Parents who opt for a more authoritarian approach over an authoritative one, prioritize strict adherence to rules and discipline over open communication with their children. Contrary to authoritative-focused parents, these types of parents use authoritarian methods from childhood to throughout most of the participants’ adolescent years. These parents exhibit a consistent pattern of employing harsh disciplinary measures, which often include verbal degradation and frequent complaints directed toward their children. Rather than employing constructive methods of correction or providing guidance, these parents tend to resort to punitive measures without adequately explaining to their children the rationale behind their actions. This lack of communication can leave children feeling confused, frustrated, and disconnected from their parents, as they struggle to understand the reasons for their punishment. Authoritarian-focused tiger parents are notorious for using fear as a way to control their children, often involving instilling a sense of apprehension or anxiety in the child, creating an environment where compliance with parental expectations was driven by the fear of consequences rather than intrinsic motivation or understanding.

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"Elementary school? I don't know. I was basically scared of my dad growing up. [...] my mom, I thought she was...like I was closer to her, but, I was still scared of her because she would degrade me. Like like, I don't know, she wouldn't say some strange thing that you shouldn't say to a child. But anyway, I wasn't really fond of both of them." (Interviewee 4, 00:12:33)

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"My mom didn’t check my grades in high school because she raised me with so much anxiety that if I got below 93 in any class, I would immediately like freak out and have a panic attack. So she always knew what was up with my grades because I would start crying if I got anything below 93." (Interviewee 9, 00:36:33)

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These parents tend to neglect the emotional needs of their children, failing to provide the necessary support and validation to help them navigate the challenges of growing up. After talking to the participant about being bullied in grade school and why they didn’t tell their parents about it: “I mean, what are [my parents] going to do? I didn't think they cared about me at that time. I just kept my mouth shut.” (Interviewee 4, 00:17:54). 

 

We also start to see aspects of helicopter parenting (Cline & Fay, 1990), a parenting style where the parent is overly controlling and involved in the child’s life. In this parenting style, parents closely monitor and intervene in various aspects of their child's activities and decisions, often out of a desire to protect or guide them. Helicopter parenting can be more permissive and authoritarian at the same time, where it is defined as an over-involvement and excessive intervention in a child's life, often out of a desire to protect or control them, both mentally and emotionally (Cline & Fay, 1990). But within the context of tiger parenting, it typically leans more towards authoritarian approaches. Some helicopter practices may involve constantly checking the child's academic performance, with parents demanding access to their grades and school progress reports regularly. Authoritarian helicopter tiger parents will often control their child’s education and career path, but then be indifferent and uncaring towards their emotional wellbeing.

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"On the surface, they were very controlling. But emotionally wise, when I really need support, they always kind of took a step back. [...] But if I would have had a bad day at school, my mom would tell me that my brother had a worse day. Why don’t you stop crying and smile more, because it’ll make him feel worse. [...] And they kind of forced me to hide my emotional issues in order to make their life easier I suppose." (Interviewee 9, 00:44:09).

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Furthermore, helicopter parents may extend their surveillance to the child's online presence, demanding access to their social media accounts and other online platforms. This allows parents to investigate not only their child's activities but also the interactions they have with peers. By monitoring messages and interactions, parents seek to ensure that their child is not engaging in any behavior deemed inappropriate or risky. Constant surveillance is seen to hinder the development of trust and communication within the parent-child relationship, as the child may feel stifled or controlled by their parent's overbearing presence.

They were very controlling in elementary and middle school.

 

"When I got my phone, when you guys would text me, the message was connected to her phone so she could see everything that you guys were texting me. That's how long in control she was in my technology. There was this one time [friend] texted me at 12 am, and she got so pissed. She was like, why are your friends texting you this late? I was like, it's not even my phone. What are you yelling at me? (Interviewee 4, 00:42:57)."

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As children enter high school and begin to assert their independence, these authoritarian-focused tiger parents may transition towards an uninvolved or neglectful parenting style. With the child growing more autonomous and self-reliant, these parents may gradually withdraw from their previous hands-on approach to uninvolved parenting, becoming less engaged and less attentive to their child's needs and activities.

Even though the parents are changing their styles to being less controlling, this does not automatically repair any broken emotional connection between parent and child. In fact, the lack of emotional engagement and support during the child's adolescent years can leave lasting scars on the parent-child relationship, regardless of any changes in parenting approach later on. This transition can result in diminished communication between parents and their children. With parents taking a more hands-off approach to parenting, opportunities for meaningful interaction and emotional connection may become increasingly scarce.

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Children’s response to parents who emphasize using an authoritarian approach

Children will rarely be in contact with their parents and will see college as an opportunity for freedom and independence. The lack of emotional connection and support during their adolescent years can lead children to perceive their parents in a negative light, viewing them as distant, uncaring, or even indifferent to their needs. With one participant, after the question was brought up on why their parents suddenly became so uninvolved:

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"So my theory was that because [my mom] was really into like these online videos about killing people and stuff. My theory is that she saw a video that these helicopter parents are so controlling of their child that the child killed them. That's why she changed. That's my theory. No-one can tell me otherwise." (Interviewee 4, 00:43:56)

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Despite the parents' attempts to loosen their grip and give their children space, the damage done to the parent-child relationship during the adolescent years may be too difficult to repair.

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Parents emphasize using an authoritarian approach throughout adolescence and early adulthood

Unlike the previous parenting style, where parents initially adopt an authoritarian approach during early adolescence before transitioning to an uninvolved approach in late adolescence or adulthood, these parents maintain an authoritarian stance starting their child's high school years (ages 14-18).

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"I've talked to a few friends too because I needed to rant, and they told me like when they were younger [friend’s parents] were tiger parents. And then like now [friends] have a little bit more freedom. And then I would always be really jealous because I feel like, yeah, [my parents] are still tiger parents." (Interviewee 8, 00:27:27).

 

This type of parenting also includes aspects of helicopter parenting, with parents always checking the child’s grades and spying on the child to see if they are productive. Due to the child being a lot older, parents may insist on knowing the child's whereabouts at all times, often through location tracking devices.

 

"So usually my mom would check my grades before I would even see it because I’m at school. And then she would always be on it. And she would text me like ‘Oh like you did so bad on this thing’ And then I had to go on and check. [...] It would scare me. It's like I constantly knew that she was going to be on there." (Interviewee 8, 00:07:09).

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Additionally, parents who display the authoritarian tiger parenting style are seen to be extremely stressed over their child’s academic performance, especially when the child is in high school. Parents may internalize these pressures intensely, viewing their child's academic performance as a direct reflection of their success as parents. Parents will have an intense fear of failure, which then can manifest as heightened anxiety, constant worry, and an overwhelming sense of pressure to ensure their child meets or exceeds academic expectations. When asked about their AP test scores, this participant responded with:

"I got mostly fours, and a few fives. I got a two during COVID year because it has things systemized like insane. And I don’t think my mom has recovered from the shock. I think she’s still mentally freaked out by that because I got that. She told me I wasn’t getting into any university [...] She thought I screwed up my entire life because of that." (Interviewee 9, 00:40:09).

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Children’s response to parents who emphasize using an authoritarian approach throughout adolescence and young adulthood

As the child enters college, parents will still attempt to monitor their child at all times, with constant check-ins, and even forcing the child to choose a college closer to home. As a result, children may actively seek to disengage from their parents, keeping them at arm's length and minimizing communication and interaction. Instead of viewing their parents as supportive mentors guiding them through life, these children perceive them primarily as controlling authority figures.

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"I don't talk to her that often because she likes to check my location and see what I'm doing, and I don't think that's okay, because I'm, like, 20 years old, and she's still, like, having a heart attack when I get takeout after class." (Interviewee 9, 00:27:49).

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"One of my motivations I had in high school to make it through senior year was like, I'm going to finally have a little bit more freedom when I'm in college. And when they told me that I was going to Cal Poly, I was like that’s 15, 20 minutes away. I'm probably going to commute. And so, I went for a walk, but for them, it seems like I quote on quote ran away. But I went on a walk because I was so upset." (Interviewee 8, 00:20:53).

Due to the authoritarian and controlling nature of their upbringing, these children often find themselves heavily reliant on their parent's approval and validation. Growing up in an environment where strict rules and high expectations are imposed, they may internalize the belief that their worth and success are contingent upon meeting their parents' standards.

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"[Parent’s approval] affects most of my life decisions. Like every day. I feel like everything I do, I kind of think in the back of my head, what would my parents think about this? Like, what if I did something wrong? Or if I did something good, would they react to this?" (Interviewee 8, 00:50:41).

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Characterized by a lack of trust and emotional well-being, the authoritarian parenting style can have a significant impact on the autonomy of the children as well as the parent-child relationship.

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Parents displaying an uninvolved/neglectful parenting style

Parents being uninvolved throughout the majority of the child’s lives can be the result of many different factors. One can include the challenges faced by immigrant families. Upon immigrating to a new country, these parents likely encountered significant hurdles as they worked to establish themselves financially and build a stable foundation for their family. Their focus on financial stability may have led them to prioritize work and career advancement over their children's emotional and developmental needs. “My relationship, I don't know, it got worse, and it got more distant because they were busy. It's like work and obviously citizenship stuff. So there's a lot of like stress, obviously moving to a new country.” (Interviewee 3, 00:27:56).

Despite exhibiting some aspects of tiger parenting, such as insistence on their children participating in numerous extracurricular activities, these parents may view these activities more as a form of childcare than as opportunities for personal development or enrichment. This perspective stems from the parents' demanding work schedules, which leave them with limited time to supervise or engage with their children outside of school hours. Being hyper-focused on academic achievement may also not be important for the parents. “They had to obviously start again or like, you know, manage a new business. So I feel like there was more focus on that, on like achieving financial stability, rather than like raising kids.” (Interviewee 3, 00:30:33). Additionally, in households where the parents are neglectful, children may be compelled to take on roles and responsibilities beyond their years, a phenomenon known as parentification (Hooper, L’Abate, Sweeney, Gianesini, Jankowski, 2014). This can manifest in various ways, including the child being forced to provide emotional support for their parents.

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"I was emotionally there for my mom. I was her therapist. [...] I feel like, a lot of that, like, emotional responsibility fell onto us instead of the parents. But I also feel like it's kind of how they were raised. Because, like, hearing about their childhoods..." (Interviewee 3, 00:32:11).

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The experience of emotional parentification in immigrant families can often be traced back to the parent's own upbringing and cultural background. Many immigrant parents may have grown up in environments where emotional support was scarce, and survival took precedence over emotional well-being.

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Raising multiple children with age gaps in immigrant families

In immigrant families with multiple children, the dynamics between siblings can vary based on factors such as age gaps and changes in parenting styles.

Parental treatment in immigrant families often transcends age differences between siblings, with parents applying consistent parenting approaches regardless of their children's ages. This means that for instance, if parents decide to transition to a more permissive approach for their hypothetically 18-year-old older child as they prepare for college, they will also extend this permissive style of parenting to their younger child who is nine years younger. In all of the interviews where there are siblings with big age gaps (5+), the older sibling tends to be parented in a more tiger parenting (authoritarian and authoritative) way while the younger sibling is parented more permissively and authoritatively.

An interviewee who has a sister who is 12 years younger and an older brother who is six years older, explained in their interview that their older brother was parented in the more “traditional” tiger parent way, while he was treated more authoritatively and his little sister is parented much more permissively.

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"I mean, they really let her do a huge range of things. And she gets to choose what she wants to do as long as she does something. If she does something and likes to do something, then, you know, they'll support her fully in it. I think that's really been the shift. It gone from more like rigid scheduling to this. To me, it was kind of like a mix of both more flexible where they had a set of goals and then now it's turned into you set your own goals as long as you have goals. We're just here to support you and like, you know, make sure you get your classes and stuff." (Interviewee 6, 00:07:57).

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In some cases with siblings with a larger age gap, authoritarian parents may reflect on their past parenting mistakes and strive to improve their approach with younger siblings. This may result in a more lenient and nurturing treatment of younger siblings compared to their older counterparts, as parents seek to rectify any perceived shortcomings in their parenting. Older siblings going through this may feel a sense of injustice and hatred towards their parents which can breed feelings of animosity towards both their parents and their younger siblings.

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"[...] and [my mom] was like...Oh yeah, we treat your brother differently 'cause we're like mature. We're grown up now because we had you when we were like in our 20s. We didn't know what we were doing. That's why we are so harsh on you. That's why we had you. That's why we yelled at you. That's why we did all those horrible things to you. But now that we're mature, we're in our 40s. Now we've become better and will treat your brother differently. I remember I was actually gonna, like, fight somebody. That's what I was going to do. I was like, why do I have to be born when they were young and immature? At 25, you're a grown-ass woman. Start behaving like one." (Interviewee 4, 00:20:46).

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Different parenting styles not only affect individual children but also influence the dynamics of sibling relationships within the family. These differences in parental approaches significantly shape how siblings experience and interact with one another, both positively and negatively. Despite these challenges, understanding the dynamics between siblings in immigrant families is crucial for fostering healthy relationships and promoting mutual understanding within the family.